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 By Ike Lasater with Julie Stiles
In a recent post, I talked about how we can begin to change the types of reflexive, unthinking reactions that make us unhappy. Now I’d like to address that same topic from a different angle—by applying the science of habit formation. Charles Duhigg’s recent book, The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do In Life and Business (2012), has broadened my understanding of how habitual reactions are created. Habits become engrained when specific cues prompt the behaviors that bring what your brain perceives as a reward. Locate the cue, says Duhigg, and you can reform the habit. This idea confirms what I have known for a while: the methods we teach in our trainings are able to create lasting change.
I’d like to demonstrate what I mean with a story. Picture this scenario: After dinner, a mother and her 12-year old son fall into a familiar argument. Alice asks son Jack to clear the table and help do the dishes. When Jack resists, Alice raises her voice to him, becoming increasingly stern and insistent. Eventually, Jack agrees to pitch in with the after-dinner cleanup, but the room is tense and neither mother nor son enjoys the process.
Alice is distressed by this pattern. She also feels powerless to stop it. As soon as Jack begins to exhibit what Alice thinks of as “the Attitude,” she feels her blood pressure spike. Reflexively, she wields her parental authority to get Jack to do what she wants. The technique often works, but Alice notices that her habit is affecting Jack in negative ways. Not only is Jack withdrawing from his mother, he also is starting to yell at his younger brother in order to get his way.
Alice would like to stop this cycle, but she can’t see a way out. So far, the yelling works. The cue (Jack’s resistance) produces a habitual reaction (Alice yelling), which produces a reward (Alice getting what she wants). Jack, too, is stuck in a habit. His cue (his mother’s yelling) leads to a reflexive behavior (freezing or acquiescing), which produces the reward of placating his mother’s Continue reading Harnessing the Power of Habit
by Kathryn A.
I came to the NVC Mediation Immersion Program to solidify my NVC skills. As a computer programmer, I couldn’t see how learning to mediate conflict might be relevant to my line of work. Then I had an on-the-job experience that showed me just how essential knowing how to deal with conflict could be.
When I was part-way through Ike and John’s program, I received a frantic phone call from a company that was looking for a developer in the specific software I work with. I accepted, happy to have the work because, due to my health, I had been unable to work for some time. A few hours into the project, I realized that my new colleagues were in the middle of a highly conflictual situation with their vendor.
One day, we had a phone call that started terribly. Grown men were literally yelling at each other, saying things like “You’re in breach of contract!” and “We have zero obligation to do any of this!” and “We’re not experiencing that problem—it’s entirely in your environment!” My heart started to race as I sat there silently, unsure of what to do or say.
That’s when the true synchronicity of the situation sank in. Remembering what I had learned in the NVC Mediation program, Continue reading De-escalating Conflict: A Computer Programmer’s Story
 Thank you, East Coast immersion program participants! I took such energy from our recent intensive training (May 4-8) in Essex, Massachusetts. There seemed to be a new level of enthusiasm and excitement from everyone about how the training produced change and growth in them and their lives and how it opened up new possibilities. A key, I think, is the depth of experience and the shifts that reliably happen through the practices. It’s deeply satisfying to see our training evolve and have a greater impact on what people want to do and create for themselves and the world.
I’d like to express my deep appreciation to Shivani Carroll, Paul Merrill, Pat Arcady and Mark Roth for their support with the training.
Ike and I have begun emailing weekly practice suggestions to our participants when they are in-between intensives. We request that the yearlong participants to commit to the following:
1. Daily self-connection practice (SCP), at least 5 minutes set aside each day, and also throughout the day, between and during activities. We ask that participants use the Enemy Image Process (EIP) and Celebrate/Mourn/Learn (CML) process for self-empathy whenever it applies.
2. Weekly dyad practice: Continue reading John Kinyon Reflects on the Essex Retreat
We’re so pleased by and proud of the accomplishments of our program participants. This spring, two West Coast intensive program participants published articles about nonviolent communication.
Third-year participant Teresa Rose, who recently launched Teresa Rose Consulting, published part one of a two-part series in the San Francisco Examiner. “Where does conflict begin?” asks Teresa.
I see two origins. One is when the strategies we’ve chosen for meeting our needs clash. The other arises from hurt that we may experience as a result of other people’s actions. Often this involves a triggering of hurt or of pain that may go all the way back to childhood.”
You can read the rest of Teresa’s article here.
Second-year participant Cindy Bigbie contributed to the Tallahassee Grapevine an article entitled “Good Things Come to Those Who W.A.I.T.” When you’re feeling like a prisoner of your rage toward another person, Cindy writes, the best strategy is to hit the pause button.
In NVC, WAIT stands for “Why Am I Talking” or “What AM I Telling myself?” In other words, when you feel that internal pull to say something to the other person in the midst of upset — don’t. WAIT! Marshall Rosenberg…often says “When emotions are high, the intelligence is low.” So it’s a good practice to WAIT — usually at the time when it’s the last thing you’d like to do.
Cindy is organizing a weekend workshop with John Kinyon in St. Petersburg, Florida, this summer (August 3-5). You can read the rest of Cindy’s article here.
by Ike Lasater with Julie Stiles
 Many of you have written us to share how you are applying NVC Mediation skills and how our trainings have improved your lives. We love hearing these stories. They are the reason for what we do.
Such specific, real-life stories help us to improve our trainings. They also go a long way in explaining NVC Mediation to those who would benefit from the skills, but who may not be familiar with how those skills can transform your relationships at work, at home, and even with yourself.
NVC Mediation’s vision statement: “We envision a world in which we are able to tap our collective intelligence, respond to the challenges we face, and thrive.”
Does that vision resonate with you? Does it match your experience of what became possible for you as a result of one of NVC Mediation’s training programs?
If yes, would you be wiling to share your story?
We invite stories from anyone with an NVC Mediation experience to share. We would like to incorporate your real-life tales here on the NVC Mediation blog and eventually in a book as well. You can share your story with your name attached or you may remain anonymous.
Things to keep in mind: Continue reading Will You Tell Us Your Story?
 Pat Arcady is a third-year participant in NVC Mediation’s yearlong immersion program and a 2001 graduate of the BayNVC Leadership Program. As co-founder of NVC Boston, Pat teaches NVC workshops in the New England area. She recently launched Arcady Mediation, a consulting practice that coaches leaders on how to have “challenging conversations.” In this interview, Pat explains how integral NVC and NVC Mediation have been to her personal and professional growth.
Mary Sitze: Pat, you have been studying and practicing NVC since the late 1990s. What started you on that journey?
Pat Arcady: I have a short temper. I struggled for years to figure out how to manage that temper more effectively to get better results in tense situations. Also, I was raised in a household of rules. My parents came from a fear-based place. While they loved my siblings and me, one of their rules was that children should be seen not heard. So I didn’t grow up trusting that my voice mattered. I also never really developed a skill set to help me navigate conflict effectively. A friend urged me to read Marshall Rosenberg’s story about the concentration camp and I was moved to tears. In that story, Marshall talks about how to really listen to one another and how to respond in ways that build connections rather than reinforcing differences. That really grabbed my attention.
MS: What changed for you after you began your training?
PA: I happen to have a blessed life. I don’t have a lot of conflicts, but when I do, they’re doozies. For the longest while, I heard this word “triggered” and didn’t fully understand it. I knew what mad was. I knew what it was to be angry or disappointed. It Continue reading Elevating Her Game: Pat Arcady and the Yearlong Immersion Program
Dear Friends,
I’ve just returned home from the German village of Reimlengen (near Munich), where I had a very powerful experience leading a 9-day CNVC International Intensive Training (IIT). The IITs were created and developed by NVC founder Marshall Rosenberg, and, until recently, Marshall was the only one who led them. This one had over 60 participants from around 10 different countries. Translators were present to help everyone understand each other. My head and heart are awash in memories of deeply moving moments spent working with IIT participants and my co-trainers. I’d like to share with you one of the most profound events from my time there.
Partway through the training, a participant whom I’ll call “Mary” approached me to report that her heart rate was spiking to dangerous levels because of an inner conflict. This physical reaction to inner turmoil was not new to her; she had experienced it before and had actually needed to go to the hospital on several occasions. Mary asked if I would work with her on her inner conflict, believing this would help her with her physical condition. She also told me she was prepared to go to the hospital if it Continue reading A Letter from John Kinyon: Heart v. Fear
By Ike Lasater with Julie Stiles
George* was shaking as he got up and walked to the center of the room. It was just a few minutes into the start of the second day of an NVC Mediation training. There had been some tension the first day over how much we, as facilitators, had planned to cover and how much people could really take in. George was the participant most upset about the potential for information overload.
We had the chairs set up in a circle that accommodated the 50 people in the room. George walked to the center of the circle carrying his notebook, in which he had outlined what he wanted to say. His distress was evident in his voice and the way his hand shook when raised his notes to look at them. Despite his anxiety, he was trying to be clear and practice the skills. He told us how painful it was for him not to have enough Continue reading Speaking Up: Learning to Take Care of Ourselves
Is your calendar starting to fill up with springtime events? Are you finding opportunities to learn and grow with the season?
A special shout-out to those who attended our new weekend programs in February and March. Some of the folks who gathered in Mount Shasta, Boston, Austin, and San Mateo are now more than halfway through the tele class and structured practice sessions that round out the “alternative first intensive.” We hope to see many of these dedicated participants in one of the three yearlong programs next month.
Speaking of yearlong programs, the second intensives for the East Coast and West Coast are drawing near. Now is the time to enroll for the retreats in Essex (May 3-7) or in Berkeley (June 7-11) if you haven’t already. Let us know what you think about the updated online registration process.
If you will be starting the yearlong Heartland immersion program this year, you’re in luck. The $175 tuition discount applies through May 1.
And while your springtime calendar may be filling up, you will certainly want to make room for this: Ike’s second open forum call happens next Wednesday, April 18 (9 a.m. California time, 12 noon East Coast USA time and 6 p.m. Poland time). This is a free call that anyone can join. Dial +1 712 432 3100 and then enter conference code 629830.
By Ike Lasater with Julie Stiles
Brian walks into the team meeting on Monday morning determined not to overreact when co-worker Phil speaks up. During the last two meetings, Brian has made angry remarks that reveal his irritation with Phil. This time, Brian has resolved to stay calm. Whatever wrongheaded things Phil says will be to Brian like water off a duck’s back.
But as soon as Phil begins talking, Brian feels tense. Soon, he finds himself in a familiar pattern, his heart racing as he offers a few clipped comments about all that is wrong with Phil’s opinion. Brian leaves the meeting upset with Phil and disappointed with himself for not having acted the way he wanted to in Phil’s presence.
Have you ever found yourself in a situation like Brian’s, having failed in an attempt to behave differently? Maybe you’ve berated yourself for not having the will power, for not being “enlightened” enough, or for failing to control yourself better. It is easy to lose sight of the fact that shifting a habitual pattern of reaction is not simple! In fact, most of us are never taught how to do it. The good news is that, with practice, changing habitual reactions is a learnable skill. What follows is a guide to the process of creating positive behavioral shifts.
Step 1: Becoming Aware
The first step in making a change is becoming aware of what it is you want to change. It was not until after his second meeting with Phil that Brian became aware of how affected he was by his own anger. He realized that he was not enjoying the situation with Phil and wanted to do something else. He had not recognized this in the heat of the moment.
Creating awareness of what you are going through as you go through it is one of the most difficult pieces of the whole changing habits process. In order to develop a new awareness, try to develop cues that alert you to a particular situation. These cues can be bodily sensations, emotions, thoughts, or something intrinsic to the situation itself, such as hearing certain words come out of your mouth or recognizing the pattern of an interaction. A cue helps you to notice you that you are in a situation in which you want to be making a different choice. Continue reading 5 Steps to Changing a Habitual Reaction
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