NVC Mediation

Lori Woodley is a soon-to-be-certified NVC trainer and the founder of PeaceMatters, an alternative ministry devoted to helping people connect to themselves and others. You may know Lori as NVC Mediation’s hardworking participant care coordinator or as a trainer for the Heartland’s yearlong immersion program. In this interview, Lori talks about the Heartland, the Heartland’s first intensive (May 31 – June 4), and why she has found what she needed in NVC and NVC Mediation.

Mary Sitze: You’re an entrepreneur, a minister, a teacher/trainer and a parent. Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is the thread that runs through all these roles, including as a mediator for divorcing families.

Lori Woodley: I have a private practice that offers mediation and counseling. Much of my time is devoted to helping divorced or separated couples with children create a co-parenting plan. I learned how to do that work through the NVC Mediation training with John and Ike. Studies have shown that judges spend an average of four minutes deciding what is best for a child whose household is being split by divorce. So in my state of Missouri and in most states in the Midwest, mediation is mandatory. I give couples tools so they can finally hear each other and work in the best interest of their child(ren). Often they come into my office not speaking and they leave ready to work together. They don’t want to fight anymore. They want to contribute to each other. It sounds hard to believe, but why wouldn’t they want to contribute to the parent of their child? The process takes time, and I want to invest my energy and skill toward finding solutions that work for everyone involved. Couples come to me when the regular system has failed them, looking for something that works. If they want something different, I’m their person.

MS: What is the “something different” that you are offering in those mediation sessions?

LW: It’s using understanding and empathy to navigate difficult conversations, which is something that not a lot of people know how to do. I didn’t always know how to do it. Nonviolent Communication was part of my seminary curriculum and I went crazy—I just loved NVC. Then I met John Kinyon and became a part of NVC Mediation. NVC Mediation taught me a set of “maps” or skills. When I practice those skills out in the world, good things start happening naturally. I might start having an interpersonal mediation session in the car with my spouse: “Wait, this is what I heard. Is that what you meant to tell me? No, that’s not what I meant. Oh, good, I’m glad I asked.” Without that dialog, I just would have gotten angry. So the “something different” refers to the skills that are life changing. It’s about learning and caring for the people we’re working with. That’s the legacy I want to have and that I want the Heartland program to have. I once thought that I was going to be a pulpit minister, but I have been drawn into this work instead. Helping people have conversations is so profound. Continue reading The ‘Something Different’ That Works: Lori Woodley and the Heartland Program

Mary Sitze: You’re an experienced TV producer who has recently put his skills to work for NVC Mediation. Could you talk about your background in media?

J Kendel Johnson: I have a radio-TV-film degree from UT Austin and I graduated wanting to do television and film production. Instead, I wound up taking a TV news reporter job that sort of fell into my lap in Oklahoma. A few months into the job, my photographer and I were the first ones on the scene of a single-engine plane crash. I was really excited on the way to the site because it meant we would almost certainly have the lead story of the day: a 72-year-old man had crashed his plane into a field. The reality was not pleasant. The experience brought home to me the upside-down focus that had become the norm of news content:  More tragedy equals more viewers. Looking back on it now, I can see how it made it hard to maintain connection with my humanity. Continue reading Setting a New Intention: J Kendel Johnson and the Austin Retreat

John Kinyon is a regular contributor to OdeWire, where he he writes about conflict in personal and work relationships. Readers of this blog will find much to enjoy in John’s most recent OdeWire posts, “File, Fax, and Feel” and “Know What you Need.”

In the first article, John questions the normal parameters of “professional behavior” by making the case for more candid expressions of emotion while on the job.

It takes time (and therefore money) to process feelings in the workplace. Throwing resources into a hazy effort to ‘bring feelings into the open’ has uncertain payoff and may even make things worse. Little wonder, then, that many professionals choose to avoid conflict and conceal their emotions…. Continue reading John Kinyon on OdeWire

Seven years ago, Paul Merrill completed BayNVC’s Leadership Program and began teaching for Brooklyn NVC, where he was a founding board member. He is now a trainer with NVC Boston and a third-year participant in NVC Mediation’s yearlong immersion program. From March 2-4, Paul, Shivani Gail Carroll and Pat Arcady will co-facilitate a Boston weekend retreat led by John Kinyon. I talked with Paul about the retreat content and about who he predicts will be drawn to nonviolent communication. In our interview, Paul also spoke thoughtfully about NVCM’s teaching philosophy, changes in the immersion training, and changes the training has brought to his own life.

Mary Sitze: You teach the principles of NVC and you continue to study them through NVC Mediation’s immersion program. Why did you re-enroll in a program that you have completed two times already?

Paul Merrill: The program offers me skills to live life with less regret. It has increased my self-connection and awareness rapidly. So I have a greater ability to choose. When I see a reaction coming up, I can say, “I don’t want to amplify that feeling of sadness and despair. I want to amplify this feeling of hope and happiness.” As I increase my mastery of these practices, I also get more clear about where, when and how to apply them. Having these tools at my fingertips makes life more enjoyable, and it’s gratifying to pass on what I’ve learned to other people. Continue reading Living Life With Less Regret: Paul Merrill and the Boston Retreat

by Laurie Breitner

Many opportunities to practice NVC Mediation “in the wild” come from integrating the skills into my business consulting practice. For example, my clients frequently ask for tips on how to handle employees’ performance reviews. During the training at Essex, I had ample opportunity to practice giving and taking feedback; this has added to my recommendations on employee evaluations.

Ideally, performance reviews are a time to take a step back and see whether you and an employee agree on how things are going and whether expectations on both sides are being met. Because so much is at stake, these reviews can be emotionally charged—even to the point of conflict. Things get even more complicated in companies that tie employees’ performance reviews to raises and promotions. Conflict can arise when there isn’t a shared understanding of what was expected and/or how well it was done. While this kind of disconnect can occur for lots of reasons, the most common are a lack of clear measurable, documented objectives or incomplete, inaccurate or delayed communication around whether objectives were met.

So, what can you do if you find yourself disagreeing with an employee about past performance? How can you turn a potential confrontation into a valuable learning experience? A first step to getting on the same page is ensuring that the employee is heard. Yes, just simply heard.  Continue reading Five Ways to Build Connection at Performance Review Time